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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will be the order of things next week, which you must admit, sounds a lot cooler than the light office work you're used to.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you always thought you'd be forced to mature when you had children, it turns out you fathered a son years ago and nothing's changed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always described yourself as someone who hates long goodbyes, but you've been standing on the edge of that bridge for three days now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true only God can judge you, you're making it pretty easy for Him to decide you're a jackass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your deep-seated belief that there is meaning and purpose to the universe will be sorely tested this week, but only by the usual crap that always happens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Trying to eat healthier and exercise more is admirable, but only when combined with not running blindly into traffic out of sheer depression.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After pondering what truly separates man from the animals, you're pretty sure that whatever it is should really be between you and the slavering wolverine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be reduced to a caricature this week, but at least it's the cool one where you smash through a glass coffee table while coked out of your mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You may not be an expert on which snakes are poisonous and which aren't, but damn it, you know a cuddly one when you see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Mars rising in your sign this week means it's already November, and you've spent the past four months in an alcoholic haze.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this week, proving the effectiveness of hiring a top-rated sharing instructor.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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