Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 45

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn’t be saving for that prostitute right about now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sure, smoking won’t make you look cool, but at least it’ll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’ll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn’t be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named Orange.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, duct tape, and Tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There’s just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.
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