Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 9, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 45

About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez

FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, vi...

Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring.

Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall

CORAL GABLES, FL—In a noteworthy departure from their usual shopping routine, the Dietrich family announced today that they would forego the regular mall near their home in favor of the good mall, located 45 minutes away.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 9, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood, dear Taurus, when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you alive.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The reason for your recent crises of conscience will become clear this week when you discover the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for about a year now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A good friend will be a pillar of strength and support during a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending this person a note that says, "Thanks for your support."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself— especially considering you'll appeal to a whole new group of people—after they make a 12-inch dance remix of you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars say there's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The FDA will realize its mistake too late to prevent your death when it accidentally names you as part of a complete breakfast.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Romance will once again pass you by this week when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mix-tapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.
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