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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 9, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood, dear Taurus, when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you alive.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The reason for your recent crises of conscience will become clear this week when you discover the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for about a year now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A good friend will be a pillar of strength and support during a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending this person a note that says, "Thanks for your support."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself— especially considering you'll appeal to a whole new group of people—after they make a 12-inch dance remix of you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars say there's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The FDA will realize its mistake too late to prevent your death when it accidentally names you as part of a complete breakfast.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will once again pass you by this week when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mix-tapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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