Your Horoscopes - Week of October 04, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 40

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week of October 04, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always believed you should go with your gut in important matters, which is why every major decision in your life has been accompanied by chili-cheese fries.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although you've always claimed you'd quit when you thought you'd reached your peak, you'll find it easy to keep going when no one seems to think you'll ever improve.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You take pride in being able to take whatever life throws at you, but you really weren't expecting this many opossums.
  • Leo

    Leo

    After all you've been through, it's nice to know that lightning doesn't strike twice. Strangely, it turns out that's not true for falling safes or pianos.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you "The Nickname-less Killer."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've always had a strong fight-or-flight reflex, which turns out to be completely useless when negotiating for the best price on a bedroom set.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've finally risen to the top of your profession only to find the world's other 450,000 deep-fryer operators are pretty much there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're really getting tired of the meme of the dead hooker in the trunk, as no one ever seems to acknowledge how much work the whole situation can be.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll experience a breathtaking whirlwind romance this week when it's endlessly recounted by a long- winded co-worker.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've avoided throwing the baby out with the bathwater. However, you're now left with the problem of how to dispose of a clean but rapidly drying baby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You won't be thanked for helping to solve a major social problem when people decide to give all the credit to the guy who made the bumper sticker.
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