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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 1, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
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