Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 1, 2013

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 40

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games: Bills at Browns OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his k...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 1, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More