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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week of October 11, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at work, because they're about to lay everyone off and inspire an office shooting spree, so hey, gather ye rosebuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're wasting your potential by living life as you do now, but not as much as you're wasting your potential energy by not falling from high places.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets social conventions dictate how you live your life, but it would be nice if you could pull that off without being such an asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The FBI will have to ask you some tough questions next week, such as whether true love really exists and what happens after we die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've tried everything you can think of to get that special person to like you, which of course explains why you're fleeing a nationwide manhunt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It turns out there are actually plenty of problems you can't solve with a smile, a sincere heartfelt talk, or a large, heavy piece of lumber.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In hard economic times like these, people tend to spend more money on booze and entertainment, but they don't have to as long as you're there to go into hilarious convulsions after drinking wood alcohol.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you can never step into the same river twice, but thanks to crocodiles and your refusal to learn how to swim, once is all you'll need.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought you were powerless to deny a pretty face, but damn, not when it's sitting on top of, like, 350 pounds of blubber.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone has a part to play in God's plan. For instance, your job is to create a distraction so that God can get away with the money in all the confusion.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say hard work never hurt anyone, and that's true, as far as it goes. The work you do at the combination gasoline refinery and drill-bit plant isn't exactly hard.
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