adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week of October 11, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week of October 11, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at work, because they're about to lay everyone off and inspire an office shooting spree, so hey, gather ye rosebuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're wasting your potential by living life as you do now, but not as much as you're wasting your potential energy by not falling from high places.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets social conventions dictate how you live your life, but it would be nice if you could pull that off without being such an asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The FBI will have to ask you some tough questions next week, such as whether true love really exists and what happens after we die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've tried everything you can think of to get that special person to like you, which of course explains why you're fleeing a nationwide manhunt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It turns out there are actually plenty of problems you can't solve with a smile, a sincere heartfelt talk, or a large, heavy piece of lumber.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In hard economic times like these, people tend to spend more money on booze and entertainment, but they don't have to as long as you're there to go into hilarious convulsions after drinking wood alcohol.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you can never step into the same river twice, but thanks to crocodiles and your refusal to learn how to swim, once is all you'll need.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought you were powerless to deny a pretty face, but damn, not when it's sitting on top of, like, 350 pounds of blubber.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone has a part to play in God's plan. For instance, your job is to create a distraction so that God can get away with the money in all the confusion.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say hard work never hurt anyone, and that's true, as far as it goes. The work you do at the combination gasoline refinery and drill-bit plant isn't exactly hard.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close