Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 12, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 41

NFL Considers Building Second Stadium

NEW YORK—NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced Monday that, after years of deliberation, NFL team owners will vote on the proposed construction of a second football stadium in order to ease current difficulties with scheduling and overcrowding.

Brady Quinn Hasn't Heard That Name In Ages

DENVER—Upon overhearing visitors to the Broncos training facility inquire about third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, a young but grizzled Brady Quinn was seen to lean forward, raise his eyebrows, frown thoughtfully, and cast his eyes upward in appa...

Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks

MONESSEN, PA—Recreational cyclist Ethan Coseglia, 38, thoroughly explained the benefits of wearing $35 bike-riding socks to his friend Kevin Washburn Friday, saying that his specially designed socks are essential in optimizing his overall cycling performance.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 12, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is horrible for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It turns out that it's neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll realize too late that there's more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you're lying in slowly fills up with your excrement.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from getting close enough to purchase Girl Scout cookies.
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