Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION