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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 15th

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 15th

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

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