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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 15th

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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