Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 16, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Personal Finance

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 16, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday, though, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It’s not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that’s because you’re a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Not that it’s really the zodiac’s business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You’ve never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they’d be perfect for you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion’s celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you’ll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Although you’ve certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
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