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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but you can't help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Expressing yourself clearly has never been your strong point, so it should come as no surprise that it'll take a few readings before people stop laughing and realize it's your suicide note.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn't mean you can, too, mostly because you're not as good as they are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's absolutely no reason you can't become successful and happy in the next six months, which will make it all that much sadder when you don't.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll answer an ad seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the third year in a row, no one responds to your well-meaning letters concerning what you consider to be fairly large errors in just about everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's nothing in the world like a post-coital smoke, or so all the former lovers you've driven to smoke through sheer frustration keep telling you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Change is right around the corner for you, and it's raising a nine-iron above its head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Look, just because someone puts a diving board somewhere doesn't mean you have to jump off it in order to fulfill the social contract.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Letting your fists speak for you turns out to be a good idea after all, as they make some excellent points and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion that your mind would never have come up with.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Romantic success is coming at you fast, and will soon leave you battered, broken, and crawling through the burning wreckage of your life as it passes over you without even slowing down.

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