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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but you can't help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Expressing yourself clearly has never been your strong point, so it should come as no surprise that it'll take a few readings before people stop laughing and realize it's your suicide note.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn't mean you can, too, mostly because you're not as good as they are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's absolutely no reason you can't become successful and happy in the next six months, which will make it all that much sadder when you don't.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll answer an ad seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the third year in a row, no one responds to your well-meaning letters concerning what you consider to be fairly large errors in just about everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's nothing in the world like a post-coital smoke, or so all the former lovers you've driven to smoke through sheer frustration keep telling you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Change is right around the corner for you, and it's raising a nine-iron above its head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Look, just because someone puts a diving board somewhere doesn't mean you have to jump off it in order to fulfill the social contract.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Letting your fists speak for you turns out to be a good idea after all, as they make some excellent points and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion that your mind would never have come up with.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Romantic success is coming at you fast, and will soon leave you battered, broken, and crawling through the burning wreckage of your life as it passes over you without even slowing down.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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