Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 42

Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States.

Republican Presidential Debate

Fox News 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT For 35 minutes, former Utah governor Jon Huntsman tries and fails to shoehorn his sensible opinion into the debate before finally blurting out "People on welfare should starve to death" in order to get the moderato...

Something Sliding Around In Coffin

The government reduces Bernie Madoff's sentence in exchange for infiltrating and fixing the economy, leaf hunting season begins, and something is sliding around in this coffin. It's the week of October 17th, 2011.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Energy

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but you can't help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Expressing yourself clearly has never been your strong point, so it should come as no surprise that it'll take a few readings before people stop laughing and realize it's your suicide note.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Just because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn't mean you can, too, mostly because you're not as good as they are.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's absolutely no reason you can't become successful and happy in the next six months, which will make it all that much sadder when you don't.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll answer an ad seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile.
  • Libra

    Libra

    For the third year in a row, no one responds to your well-meaning letters concerning what you consider to be fairly large errors in just about everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's nothing in the world like a post-coital smoke, or so all the former lovers you've driven to smoke through sheer frustration keep telling you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Change is right around the corner for you, and it's raising a nine-iron above its head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Look, just because someone puts a diving board somewhere doesn't mean you have to jump off it in order to fulfill the social contract.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Letting your fists speak for you turns out to be a good idea after all, as they make some excellent points and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion that your mind would never have come up with.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Romantic success is coming at you fast, and will soon leave you battered, broken, and crawling through the burning wreckage of your life as it passes over you without even slowing down.
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