Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 19, 2010

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 42

Report: Fans Enjoy Waving Things Around

NEW YORK—A joint report from all professional and amateur sporting leagues unanimously confirmed Thursday that fans enjoy waving random things around, typically above their heads, while attending athletic events.

NFL Scores Big Ratings With Rare Live Episode

GREEN BAY, WI—At a press conference Monday, NFL officials touted the success of a special live episode of Sunday Night Football, confirming that more than 19 million viewers had tuned in to watch players on the Vikings and Packers play in rea...

A-Rod Finally Leads Rangers To World Series

ARLINGTON, TX—Ten years after signing a record $252 million contract to play baseball in Texas, third baseman Alex Rodriguez finally delivered for the Rangers by leading the franchise to its first-ever World Series.

Kobe Bryant Just Not Into It This Year

LOS ANGELES—Two-time NBA Finals MVP Kobe Bryant, who claims he typically looks forward to the 82-game professional basketball season, told reporters Friday that he's "just not feeling it" this year.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 19, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as how you've been insisting for years that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who will insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Someday you may learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your combined proclivities toward paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In a wacky horoscopic mix-up, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Keep extra apples and ban-dages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More