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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 19, 2010

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 19, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as how you've been insisting for years that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who will insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday you may learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your combined proclivities toward paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a wacky horoscopic mix-up, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Keep extra apples and ban-dages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.

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