Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 2, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 40

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something.

Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 2, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.
  • Leo

    Leo

    That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Previously on Libra: "Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney, madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A mixture of dread, anxiety, and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.
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