Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 43

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The Walking Dead

AMC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT In the eagerly anticipated conclusion to last season’s heart-stopping cliffhanger, an obscured shape staggering toward the characters in the midst of an orchestral swell turns out to be a zombie.

Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate

A university in Malaysia conferred an honorary doctorate in economics on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un, saying that the 30-year-old leader “makes untiring efforts for the education of the country and the well-being of its people.” W...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
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