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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?

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