Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 43

Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not ...

Man Throws Money At Problem

A birthday card is discreetly passed around the office like some sort of covert CIA operation, Apple's gag division unveils the sleekest fake dog shit to date, and cactus scientists recommend drinking 8 cups of water per year.

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a bread box, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The Bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone’s guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You’ll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it’s the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn’t Really Know What He’s Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear’s ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you’ll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of bloodsucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.
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