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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a bread box, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The Bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone’s guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it’s the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn’t Really Know What He’s Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear’s ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you’ll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of bloodsucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.

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