Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 43

Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season

LOS ANGELES—With the NBA lockout having already resulted in the cancellation of many games this fall, ESPN.com and Grantland columnist Bill Simmons is somehow managing to churn out upwards of 3,000 words per week on the NBA by continuing to write ab...

FAA To Ban Plane Crashes

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes.

Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a...

Lions Fans Excited To Be Booing Again

DETROIT—After their team dropped its second-straight game Sunday, Detroit Lions fans told reporters they were thrilled to get back to booing the hapless franchise.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sorry to tell you this, but there's no such thing as "plus-sized" deodorant soap. Just use as much regular soap as you need to wash your enormous frame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Yes, you have a powerful thirst, but you won't relieve it by repeatedly drinking whiskey. In fact, that will actually dehydrate you further.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The doctors will be polite and professional when discussing your condition, but they'll joke about it later in the lounge before going home to stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep from thinking about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There aren't many people out there who can have so much sex without enjoying themselves in the least, but you always knew you were special.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you're involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you'd think.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you've used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Usually, compromise means no one is happy.  The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it's almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.
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