Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sorry to tell you this, but there's no such thing as "plus-sized" deodorant soap. Just use as much regular soap as you need to wash your enormous frame.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Yes, you have a powerful thirst, but you won't relieve it by repeatedly drinking whiskey. In fact, that will actually dehydrate you further.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The doctors will be polite and professional when discussing your condition, but they'll joke about it later in the lounge before going home to stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep from thinking about it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There aren't many people out there who can have so much sex without enjoying themselves in the least, but you always knew you were special.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you're involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you'd think.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you've used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Usually, compromise means no one is happy. The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it's almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION