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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sorry to tell you this, but there's no such thing as "plus-sized" deodorant soap. Just use as much regular soap as you need to wash your enormous frame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, you have a powerful thirst, but you won't relieve it by repeatedly drinking whiskey. In fact, that will actually dehydrate you further.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The doctors will be polite and professional when discussing your condition, but they'll joke about it later in the lounge before going home to stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep from thinking about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There aren't many people out there who can have so much sex without enjoying themselves in the least, but you always knew you were special.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you're involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you'd think.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you've used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Usually, compromise means no one is happy.  The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it's almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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