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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sorry to tell you this, but there's no such thing as "plus-sized" deodorant soap. Just use as much regular soap as you need to wash your enormous frame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, you have a powerful thirst, but you won't relieve it by repeatedly drinking whiskey. In fact, that will actually dehydrate you further.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The doctors will be polite and professional when discussing your condition, but they'll joke about it later in the lounge before going home to stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep from thinking about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There aren't many people out there who can have so much sex without enjoying themselves in the least, but you always knew you were special.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you're involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you'd think.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you've used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Usually, compromise means no one is happy.  The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it's almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.

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