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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

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Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sorry to tell you this, but there's no such thing as "plus-sized" deodorant soap. Just use as much regular soap as you need to wash your enormous frame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, you have a powerful thirst, but you won't relieve it by repeatedly drinking whiskey. In fact, that will actually dehydrate you further.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The doctors will be polite and professional when discussing your condition, but they'll joke about it later in the lounge before going home to stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep from thinking about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There aren't many people out there who can have so much sex without enjoying themselves in the least, but you always knew you were special.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you're involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you'd think.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you've used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Usually, compromise means no one is happy.  The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it's almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.

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