Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 26, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 26, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars are beginning to suspect you think of relationships, dating, and in fact any romantic involvement whatsoever as nothing more than an excuse to make mixtapes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Don't wait until tomorrow to start living the life you want today. That said, it may take months to properly assume the identity of veteran character actor William H. Macy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll know you've picked the right wedding planner this week when he makes you list, from best to worst, your 10 favorite Rommel biographies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You take justifiable pride in your near-perfect infant-stroller design, but they'll still recall them all as soon as the deaths start.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Maybe it's just you, but up until the recent spate of news articles on the issue, you had no idea there were straight people in the military.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars are genuinely sorry that they told your creepy coworker this would be a good week to make bold romantic moves.
  • Libra

    Libra

    People often overlook your generally optimistic nature and hopeful outlook, as well as the fact that living in an underground bunker is just plain cozy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon be the latest victim of society's unfortunate propensity to put the word "crazed" in front of the once-respected title of "gunman."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Turns out there actually isn't an old saying that you can get away with anything as long as you're wearing a chicken suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There are, in fact, two kinds of people in the world, but if the stars told you what they were, you'd be shocked and possibly hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The really strange thing, doctors will tell you this week, is that the worms just seem to be hanging out in your bloodstream as if waiting for a signal to lay their millions of eggs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Until next Thursday, you will have no idea what the world record is for stepping in bear traps.
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