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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 26, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars are beginning to suspect you think of relationships, dating, and in fact any romantic involvement whatsoever as nothing more than an excuse to make mixtapes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't wait until tomorrow to start living the life you want today. That said, it may take months to properly assume the identity of veteran character actor William H. Macy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll know you've picked the right wedding planner this week when he makes you list, from best to worst, your 10 favorite Rommel biographies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You take justifiable pride in your near-perfect infant-stroller design, but they'll still recall them all as soon as the deaths start.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Maybe it's just you, but up until the recent spate of news articles on the issue, you had no idea there were straight people in the military.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are genuinely sorry that they told your creepy coworker this would be a good week to make bold romantic moves.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People often overlook your generally optimistic nature and hopeful outlook, as well as the fact that living in an underground bunker is just plain cozy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be the latest victim of society's unfortunate propensity to put the word "crazed" in front of the once-respected title of "gunman."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Turns out there actually isn't an old saying that you can get away with anything as long as you're wearing a chicken suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There are, in fact, two kinds of people in the world, but if the stars told you what they were, you'd be shocked and possibly hurt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The really strange thing, doctors will tell you this week, is that the worms just seem to be hanging out in your bloodstream as if waiting for a signal to lay their millions of eggs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Until next Thursday, you will have no idea what the world record is for stepping in bear traps.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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