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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.

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