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Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.

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