Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

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‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.


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