Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 44

FAA Allows Use Of Electronics Throughout Flights

The Federal Aviation Administration announced that airline passengers will now be able to use certain electronic devices, such as e-readers and video gaming devices, throughout an entire flight, though cell phone calls remain prohibited.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
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