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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they’re definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a “stirring work of utmost courage and beauty,” which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: It’s not that you can’t find happiness in life, it’s that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you’ll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.

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