Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 44

Natalie Blasi

After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office line know how long they’ve all been waiting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they’re definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a “stirring work of utmost courage and beauty,” which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Libra

    Libra

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Remember: It’s not that you can’t find happiness in life, it’s that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you’ll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.
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