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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 5, 2010

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 5, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this week and, in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announce price hikes on all divine services.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifianakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've always had good luck at work using the buddy system, next week's attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you're starting to think your problem is that you're too "in your head," it's actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What's-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The king's men part you can understand, but you've never really comprehended how all the king's horses were supposed to help.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it's made it easy for you to get dates.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although they say it's not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body-image standards mean it's now over when there is a vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the emperor, you'd walk around naked, too.

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