Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 5, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 40

Clinton, Biden Trading Places?

Reporter Bob Woodward said that an exchange of positions between Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice President Joe Biden is being considered by the White House.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 5, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this week and, in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announce price hikes on all divine services.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifianakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While you've always had good luck at work using the buddy system, next week's attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While you're starting to think your problem is that you're too "in your head," it's actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What's-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The king's men part you can understand, but you've never really comprehended how all the king's horses were supposed to help.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you're often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it's made it easy for you to get dates.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although they say it's not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body-image standards mean it's now over when there is a vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the emperor, you'd walk around naked, too.
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