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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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