Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 41

October 19

There will be a 10K charity run for lupus research Saturday, so if someone hits you up for a donation in the next couple of days, it’s legit.

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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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