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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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