Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 9, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 9, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they’re still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy of Just Handing These Damn Things Out to Whoever’s Around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom “all thumbs.”
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Note: This week’s horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ve never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.
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