Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 37

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Libra

    Libra

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share of advantages. That's it.
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