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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share of advantages. That's it.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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