adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kind of pressure you’ll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ve got a pair of gams that just won’t quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you’re a Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Something deep inside of you will reawaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’re no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close