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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kind of pressure you’ll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ve got a pair of gams that just won’t quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you’re a Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Something deep inside of you will reawaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’re no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.

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