Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 37

Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

Mark Carson

Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The kind of pressure you’ll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You’ve got a pair of gams that just won’t quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you’re a Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Something deep inside of you will reawaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’ll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You’re no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
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