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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll suffer from a continuing inability to enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally find a man who loves you for who you are, but unfortunately he's every bit as miserable as you might expect.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets your physical handicaps stop you, but that's because you prey on people with even fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Artistic expression has never been your strength, so it's frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin doodles on display just to trash them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it's good to just sit back and watch the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it's good to stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to your optimism, your death next week with come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what comes after will be a terrible shock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A hot bowl of soup and a good night's sleep can cure many ills, it's true, but you might want to consider the possibility that you have the world's worst oncologist.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately for your dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, if you're the sort of idiot who thinks that's even close to a good idea.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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