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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll suffer from a continuing inability to enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally find a man who loves you for who you are, but unfortunately he's every bit as miserable as you might expect.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets your physical handicaps stop you, but that's because you prey on people with even fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Artistic expression has never been your strength, so it's frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin doodles on display just to trash them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it's good to just sit back and watch the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it's good to stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to your optimism, your death next week with come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what comes after will be a terrible shock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A hot bowl of soup and a good night's sleep can cure many ills, it's true, but you might want to consider the possibility that you have the world's worst oncologist.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately for your dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, if you're the sort of idiot who thinks that's even close to a good idea.

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