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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Energy

Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll suffer from a continuing inability to enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll finally find a man who loves you for who you are, but unfortunately he's every bit as miserable as you might expect.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
  • Leo

    Leo

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're not the kind of person who lets your physical handicaps stop you, but that's because you prey on people with even fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Artistic expression has never been your strength, so it's frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin doodles on display just to trash them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes it's good to just sit back and watch the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it's good to stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Due to your optimism, your death next week with come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what comes after will be a terrible shock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A hot bowl of soup and a good night's sleep can cure many ills, it's true, but you might want to consider the possibility that you have the world's worst oncologist.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Unfortunately for your dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    This is a great time for romance in the workplace, if you're the sort of idiot who thinks that's even close to a good idea.
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