Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 14, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 37

Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College

PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 14, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide him or her with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you got a haircut, you will enigmatically say, "Yes, I got them all cut."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo

    When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll achieve your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor locomotive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They've laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.
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