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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 14, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide him or her with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you got a haircut, you will enigmatically say, "Yes, I got them all cut."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll achieve your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor locomotive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They've laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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