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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the praying in the world can't save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it's too late.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As an educator, you always hoped you'd make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever to old to learn something new.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it's a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you're accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that's not a typo.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office's sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you'll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.

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