Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 38

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading me...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All the praying in the world can't save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it's too late.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    As an educator, you always hoped you'd make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever to old to learn something new.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it's a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you're accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that's not a typo.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office's sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you'll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.
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