Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 38

The Bird Sniffer

PBS 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Ornithologist and acclaimed odor-describer Dr. Charles Wemple attempts to get a rare whiff of a freshly hatched ivory-billed woodpecker before the mother pecks the bejeezus out of his face.

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over 20 minutes, and now she’s going to be late, which is just great.

That Chair Over There

No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    On sale this week at Cancer: Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.
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