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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    On sale this week at Cancer: Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.
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