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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    On sale this week at Cancer: Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.

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