Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 2, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 35

Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window

I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man, a job applicant totally nails an interview with the person who will make his life a living hell for the next five years, and adjusting several sliders on a r...

NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training

The New York Post reported that, following a Twitter outreach campaign that backfired horribly, the NYPD is requiring its officers to attend mandatory classes at a local college on how to use Twitter.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 2, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.
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