Your Horoscopes - Week of September 20, 2011 

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Vol 47 Issue 38

Doc Martin

PBS 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC You cannot make fun of your parents for watching this inoffensive, PBS-friendly British import and start to get sucked into it at the same time. You must choose.

Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet.

Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 20, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries

    Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch anything that's on TV right now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning certain "reverse-aging potions."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.
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