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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 20, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch anything that's on TV right now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning certain "reverse-aging potions."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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