Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 21, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 38

New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World

Planet Michael, a "massively multiplayer online virtual world" based on imagery from Michael Jackson's songs and videos, is being developed by game publisher SEE Virtual Worlds.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 21, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and- turkey-baster kind of guy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.
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