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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

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