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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

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