Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 39

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
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