Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 25, 2012

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Content From 2012-09-25

Life Spans Fall For Low-Educated Whites

While the lives of the nation’s most highly educated have lengthened, the life expectancy for white Americans without a high school diploma has, since 1990, dropped by five years for women and three years for men, to 73.5 and 67.5 respectively.

Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week

BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday.

The Bird Sniffer

PBS 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Ornithologist and acclaimed odor-describer Dr. Charles Wemple attempts to get a rare whiff of a freshly hatched ivory-billed woodpecker before the mother pecks the bejeezus out of his face.

Voter ID Laws May Bar 10 Million Latinos

State laws that restrict voting, including measures that require photo ID or proof of citizenship at the polls, could prevent as many as 10 million Hispanic citizens of the United States from casting a ballot this election, according to a study by civil r...

Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids

SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too old to make a comeback to steroids.“It’s admirable he’s trying to get ...

Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million

A jury awarded $7.2 million in damages to a man diagnosed with “Popcorn Lung,” a respiratory disease he may have developed from inhaling a chemical in artificial butter flavoring during a decade in which he ate two bags of microwave popcorn a ...

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

Great, Now She’ll Be Late

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over 20 minutes, and now she’s going to be late, which is just great.

That Chair Over There

No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.

Romeo Crennel Puts French Fries Tag On Matt Cassel

KANSAS CITY—Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel told reporters this weekend that he will apply the team’s French fries tag to Matt Cassel, preventing the eighth-year player from becoming an unsalted free agent at the end of this seasoning.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 25, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase 3 tons of brick and cement instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which, truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
  • Leo

    Leo

    He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill, and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're a natural-born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.
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