Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators to figure out what happened.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Mars enters your sign this week at a very delicate moment, but because it's the planet of war and not sensitivity, it just stands there and talks while you're on the can.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Sometimes little things mean a lot, as is demonstrated by the microscopic cluster of rapidly growing cancer cells in your pancreas.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've honestly been trying hard to be a better person, but by Friday you'll discover you have a favorite professional wrestler.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've always wondered if you'd ever be in a situation where the wisdom contained in the lyrics of Hank Williams, Jr. songs didn't apply, and for you, the answer is "not yet."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've long wished you could go back to high school knowing what you know now, but you always thought there would be magical time-travel involved when it happened.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're always the first to help a friend in need, but only when it means sneaking bulky, plastic-wrapped packages out of hotels in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It's been more than 25 years since you were raised by wolves, so stop using that as an excuse for eating pizza with a fork like some kind of jerk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's true military budgets are being slashed across the board, don't get any ideas. They could still slaughter you if they had to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll learn a painful lesson about accepting dares while drunk, but at least the residents of Niagara Falls will have something to talk about for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You always thought ladybugs were such cute, innocent insects, but it turns out that in sufficent numbers, any creature can gnaw one's leg down to the bone.
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