adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators to figure out what happened.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars enters your sign this week at a very delicate moment, but because it's the planet of war and not sensitivity, it just stands there and talks while you're on the can.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes little things mean a lot, as is demonstrated by the microscopic cluster of rapidly growing cancer cells in your pancreas.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've honestly been trying hard to be a better person, but by Friday you'll discover you have a favorite professional wrestler.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always wondered if you'd ever be in a situation where the wisdom contained in the lyrics of Hank Williams, Jr. songs didn't apply, and for you, the answer is "not yet."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've long wished you could go back to high school knowing what you know now, but you always thought there would be magical time-travel involved when it happened.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're always the first to help a friend in need, but only when it means sneaking bulky, plastic-wrapped packages out of hotels in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's been more than 25 years since you were raised by wolves, so stop using that as an excuse for eating pizza with a fork like some kind of jerk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true military budgets are being slashed across the board, don't get any ideas. They could still slaughter you if they had to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll learn a painful lesson about accepting dares while drunk, but at least the residents of Niagara Falls will have something to talk about for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always thought ladybugs were such cute, innocent insects, but it turns out that in sufficent numbers, any creature can gnaw one's leg down to the bone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close