Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 28, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 39

NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season

NEW YORK—In a policy shift that seems to run counter to the recent emphasis on professional hockey as a game of speed and finesse, the NHL announced Wednesday that it will allow exceptionally graphic finishing moves for the 2010-2011 season.

George Blanda

Blanda's 26-year career saw him establish records for longevity and PATs on his way to becoming an inspiration for older fans. Was he any good?
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 28, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address on the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to fire-exit signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words "we're friends" and "I'll call you."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.
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