Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 4, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 36

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

NFL On Fox

Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 4, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us?
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week, as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo

    Leo

    When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.
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