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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.

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