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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.
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