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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.

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