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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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