Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.
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