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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 7, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullitt wasn't that great of a movie.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a terrific wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week will send you plunging into a pit of depression at the realization that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Raise your voice in anger and rail against the gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that 10 bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't think anyone saw you take it.

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