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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 12, 2017

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider’s perspective, you’ll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although it’s true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it’s just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say that it’s not how well the bear dances that’s impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician’s daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it’s all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Okay, the stars realize that last week’s prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week’s incubus invasion should make up for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you’re going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write “heart failure” in the spot marked “Cause of Death.”
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it’s true that only God can judge you, it also won’t take Him more than a couple seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your biggest mistake wasn’t assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

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