Aries | March 21 to April 19
When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
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