adBlockCheck

Your Love Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Love Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close