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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Love Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.