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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Your Love Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.

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