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Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles

Africans MARADI, NIGER—More than 60,000 urgently needed Bibles arrived to allay suffering throughout the famine-stricken nation of Niger Friday, in one of the largest humanitarian-relief operations ever attempted by a Christian ministry. ..

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Pisces: Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.

Infographic

Infographic

New Methods of Capital Punishment

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Statshot

Overlooked Brilliant Ideas

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Updates: Wednesday 3/15/06

American Voices

Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents

 Old Woman
"All right, no more Ambien while driving. Can I still watch porn on my car's DVD player?"


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3/15/06 12:02 PM

Onion Radio News

New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers

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3/15/06 9:57 AM

Onion Magazine

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3/17/06 7:16 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • YARDLEY, PA—Football legend Lynn Swann dropped his gubernatorial ambitions after a campaign stop in which he made the mistake of honoring a request to catch a voter’s newborn baby.
  • INDEPENDENCE, OR—Boasting the highest national incidence of feline AIDS has earned this small West Coast town the nickname "Kitty-Cat Africa."
  • ARROYO SECO, NM—Although scouting officials say the atomic bomb that Boy Scout Herbert MacAffee Jr. assembled by scraping the radium off of old watches "worked like a charm," they declined to award him a posthumous science merit badge.
3/21/06 6:41 AM

Stock Watch

Stockwatch March 15, 2006

Stock for this manufacturer and distributor of totes marked its third year without movement, as demand for the item has neither shrunk nor grown in that time.

3/15/06 5:54 AM

This Day In History

Onion In History

March 14, 1945

Our First Lesbian President

3/13/06 7:54 AM
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