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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aries: A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.

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Updates: Wednesday 4/05/06

American Voices

Tom DeLay Resigns

Young Woman
"What does this man have to look forward to? Some multimillion-dollar consulting position at a mega-corporation? I hope he's on suicide watch."


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4/05/06 8:20 AM

Onion Radio News

Breakthrough Dialysis Machine Can Do Work Of 10 Kidneys

 

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4/05/06 11:02 AM

Onion Magazine

Hetrosexual Men's Fashion

4/07/06 9:42 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • UTICA, NY—Elliot Rosen died at the City Café Friday after he was told that, peanut allergy or no, there would be no substitutions on the menu.
  • BURKSVILLE, KY—Floyd Patters, a retired coal miner who worked underground in the mines for more than 40 years, announced that he would have quit sooner had he known that was allowed.
  • CEDAR HILLS, OR—An innocent stroll in the park ended horribly when Ben Milford casually kicked a stone in his path and fatally struck a squirrel directly in the neck.
4/11/06 11:59 AM

Stock Watch

stockwatch_040506.jpg

Analysts have been wowed by this company’s strategy for marketing its niche product to gated communities experiencing their first influx of unwelcome nouveau riche minority groups.

4/05/06 9:35 AM

This Day In History

04041965_105_Beatlenemia.jpg

April 4, 1965

One Million Teen-Age Girls Stricken in Beatlenemia Epidemic

4/05/06 9:27 AM
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