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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Biggest Sports Franchise Relocations

With the Oakland Raiders leaving for Las Vegas in 2020, Onion Sports looks back on some of the biggest franchise relocations in history.

  • 1937

    The Boston Redskins relocate to Washington, D.C. and take immediate advantage of the fresh start by finally changing their nickname

  • 1961

    Washington Senators begin playing home games in Minneapolis on weekdays and Baltimore on weekends as part of an MLB joint custody agreement

  • 1979

    The NBA’s New Orleans Jazz relocate to Salt Lake City and became the Utah Tabernacle Choir

  • 1993

    Habana’s Metropolitanos baseball club defects from Cuba on a small raft and lands in Miami, where they assume a new identity as the Florida Marlins

  • 1995

    Relocating the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore and changing their name was tragically not enough to attain Art Modell’s dream of ensuring no football player would ever again have to don a Browns jersey

  • 1999

    Jefferson Valley Little League now includes sluggers from the neighboring hamlet of Bush Pines following a change in district zoning

  • 2005

    The Montreal Expos must move back home to Washington, D.C. following the expiration of their work visa

  • 2006

    Following years of threats and bitter negotiations, the Arizona Cardinals break the hearts of millions of fans by abandoning Tempe for lush Glendale

  • 2016

    Unable to choose to between St. Louis and Los Angeles, the NFL’s Rams compromise and relocate to Springer, New Mexico, the midpoint between the two cities

  • 2025

    Jacksonville-area fans are informed that the Jaguars have been playing all of their home games in London for three years

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