Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Congress’s Agenda For The Upcoming Term

Congress just returned from recess, and they are faced with a hugely ambitious agenda. Here’s what they will focus on over the next several months.

  • Pass a replacement of DACA for Trump to sign and campaign against in 2020

  • Vote on some shit about wetlands that Congressman Keith Rothfus won’t shut up about

  • Decide what each of them would be if they were all candy bars

  • Pass a sweeping healthcare law specifically designed to keep John McCain alive long enough to vote for a full repeal of Obamacare

  • Get bill that says tax somewhere on it to president’s desk

  • Shatter the debt ceiling

  • Let loose with some free-form indignant shouting

  • Come together as a united bipartisan front to name a few post offices after Jerry Lewis

  • Though they have a packed schedule, lawmakers would still like to strip healthcare from 22 million Americans when they have a free minute

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