Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan

Donald Trump unveiled his administration’s economic policy plan Monday at the Detroit Economic Club. Here are Trump’s main economic proposals:

  • Prevent American companies from outsourcing jobs to women or minorities

  • Lower the corporate tax rate for CEOs too stupid to find a loophole

  • Do whatever you’re supposed to do with interest rates

  • Larger numbers for everyone

  • Round up and deport nation’s manufacturing robots

  • Raise taxes on the ultra-foreign

  • Spur innovation by speeding up demise of habitable climate

  • Cap top income tax rate at 25 percent or 33 percent or 14 percent or something in that general vicinity, but it’s hard to tell where the chips will fall

  • America’s financial woes to be eased significantly by cash gifts from America’s father

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