Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan

Donald Trump unveiled his administration’s economic policy plan Monday at the Detroit Economic Club. Here are Trump’s main economic proposals:

  • Prevent American companies from outsourcing jobs to women or minorities

  • Lower the corporate tax rate for CEOs too stupid to find a loophole

  • Do whatever you’re supposed to do with interest rates

  • Larger numbers for everyone

  • Round up and deport nation’s manufacturing robots

  • Raise taxes on the ultra-foreign

  • Spur innovation by speeding up demise of habitable climate

  • Cap top income tax rate at 25 percent or 33 percent or 14 percent or something in that general vicinity, but it’s hard to tell where the chips will fall

  • America’s financial woes to be eased significantly by cash gifts from America’s father

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