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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Everyday Internet Safety Tips

  • Set up two-step verification on all your devices in order to enmesh yourself in an interconnected web of technological dependency from which you cannot escape.

  • Avoid downloading free screensavers from the internet, unless of course they feature puppies in some way. You’re only human.

  • Prevent hackers from breaking into your computer by locking your bedroom window before bed.

  • Choose passwords that are both easy to remember and hard to crack by naming your firstborn child NETGEAR-5G and naming your cat wKn84J9.

  • If you’re afraid of someone gaining remote access to your webcam, place tape all over your face as a safeguard.

  • Too bad Jack from Jack in the Box didn’t follow these tips. See what the hackers found at

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