The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo

Each year on May 5, Mexican-Americans celebrate their heritage with parades, festivals, and cultural events. The Onion answers some commonly asked questions about the holiday:

  • Q: What is Cinco de Mayo?

    A: A holiday celebrating Mexican heritage and the fact that everyone in Alpha Phi is done with finals.

  • Q: Is Cinco de Mayo the same thing as Mexican Independence Day?

    A: No, Mexican Independence Day is on September 16, but Diez y Seis de Septiembre was too clunky to catch on with beer distributors.

  • Q: I know the date commemorates the Mexican army’s 1862 victory over the French during the Battle of Puebla, but I forget: Was that under the leadership of General López de Santa Anna?

    A: No, dumbfuck. You’re thinking of General Ignacio Zaragoza.

  • Q: What are some Cinco de Mayo traditions?

    A: Parades featuring traditional Mexican music and dancing, historical reenactments of the Battle of Puebla, and getting kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings.

  • Q: Where is the best place to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

    A: There’s no cover and two-for-one lectures on pre-Cuauhtémoc pottery at the National Museum of Mexican Art.

  • Q: Why is Cinco de Mayo so popular in the United States?

    A: Over 30 million Americans are of Mexican descent, and the rest will take any opportunity to celebrate a French military defeat.

  • Q: Why are parades such a widespread part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations?

    A: Parades commemorate the proud Mexican-American tradition of being forcibly relocated on foot.

  • Q: What’s the most respectful way to celebrate the holiday?

    A: Make sure to order on the rocks, not frozen.

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