North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
End Of Section
  • More News

Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo

Each year on May 5, Mexican-Americans celebrate their heritage with parades, festivals, and cultural events. The Onion answers some commonly asked questions about the holiday:

  • Q: What is Cinco de Mayo?

    A: A holiday celebrating Mexican heritage and the fact that everyone in Alpha Phi is done with finals.

  • Q: Is Cinco de Mayo the same thing as Mexican Independence Day?

    A: No, Mexican Independence Day is on September 16, but Diez y Seis de Septiembre was too clunky to catch on with beer distributors.

  • Q: I know the date commemorates the Mexican army’s 1862 victory over the French during the Battle of Puebla, but I forget: Was that under the leadership of General López de Santa Anna?

    A: No, dumbfuck. You’re thinking of General Ignacio Zaragoza.

  • Q: What are some Cinco de Mayo traditions?

    A: Parades featuring traditional Mexican music and dancing, historical reenactments of the Battle of Puebla, and getting kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings.

  • Q: Where is the best place to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

    A: There’s no cover and two-for-one lectures on pre-Cuauhtémoc pottery at the National Museum of Mexican Art.

  • Q: Why is Cinco de Mayo so popular in the United States?

    A: Over 30 million Americans are of Mexican descent, and the rest will take any opportunity to celebrate a French military defeat.

  • Q: Why are parades such a widespread part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations?

    A: Parades commemorate the proud Mexican-American tradition of being forcibly relocated on foot.

  • Q: What’s the most respectful way to celebrate the holiday?

    A: Make sure to order on the rocks, not frozen.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.