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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Features Of The New iPhone 8

In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:

  • Users must slowly earn Siri’s trust before she will agree to fulfill requests

  • Faceprint scanner for added security

  • Introduces wireless charging capabilities and six new defunct cables for your junk drawer

  • Simple voice-to-text-to-souvenir-magnet commands

  • 18.5:9 dimensions that adhere to Aristotle’s theoretical perfect aspect ratio for small personal electronics

  • Apps no longer leak out when screen cracks

  • Integrated cross-platform OS makes phone completely unusable unless simultaneously running iWatch, iPad, MacBook, and Apple TV

  • Sauce-resistant

  • Proprietary new phone shape only compatible with pockets of licensed Apple Pants

  • Preloaded with preview of superior iPhone 9 features

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