Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Greatest Thoroughbred Horses Of All Time

With the 143rd running of the Kentucky Derby taking place Saturday, Onion Sports looks back on some of the most notable horses in the history of the sport.

  • Man o’ War

    Revolutionized racing by becoming the first horse to run on four legs instead of the traditional two

  • Sunday Silence

    Won the 1989 Kentucky Derby despite going on a cocaine-fueled bender with New York Mets star Keith Hernandez the night before.

  • War Admiral

    Winning the Triple Crown in 1937 at the height of the Great Depression, War Admiral inspired millions of Americans who dreamed of living in quarters as luxurious as his stable

  • Curlin

    Despite earning more than $10 million during his illustrious racing career, the chestnut stallion couldn’t outrun lavish spending habits and filed for bankruptcy in 2013

  • Seattle Slew

    A Triple Crown winner, Seattle Slew was euthanized by the Gambino crime family in 1980 after refusing to fix a race

  • American Pharaoh

    The product of a rich lineage whose members include such champions as Empire Maker, Unbridled, and Terry Bradshaw

  • Prince Rose

    This European-bred specimen holds the distinction of being Belgium’s best and only horse

  • Unbridled

    The 1990 Kentucky Derby champion experienced a meteoric fall from grace when an Outside The Lines report revealed he had fathered 437 offspring with 437 different mothers

  • Secretariat

    The famous stallion’s record in the one and a half mile is mostly attributed to the use of a now banned full-body polyurethane race suit

  • Citation

    The thoroughbred’s 1948 Triple Crown victory only compounded his owner’s regret that he gave his horse such a shitty name

  • Dust Commander

    Quickly faded from the spotlight only to resurface years later working as a hansom cab in Central Park

  • Tick Tock

    Controversially boycotted the 1990 Belmont Stakes as a demonstration against the escalation of The Gulf War

  • Khartoum

    This prize stud went on to sire four Kentucky Derby winners before being discovered decapitated by owner and longtime Hollywood studio mogul Jack Woltz in 1945

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