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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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History Of The Tour De France

  • 1902

    Race first conceived after Maurice Garin wakes up from 23-day amphetamine bender to find himself on other side of country

  • 1923

    First year race is held outdoors

  • 1941

    Tour canceled as Europe’s bicycles redirected to war effort

  • 1968

    After the death of a cyclist the previous year, competitors are reminded to drink plenty of testosterone

  • 1976

    Mesmerized by the scenery during the climb of the Alpe d’Huez, Spanish cyclist Juan Jose Cavilla pulls over to the side of the road to settle down and start a family

  • 1985

    Team Skoal claims first Tour De France victory

  • 1994

    In an effort to attract younger fans, race organizers line the 160-kilometer 15th stage with quarter pipes

  • 2004

    A raging, muscle-bound Lance Armstrong becomes the first man to win the Tour on foot

  • 2007

    Americans lose interest in the race following a controversial mountain-stage format change

  • 2096

    Hulking, sentient mass of muscle wins record 15th-straight Tour De France

More from this section

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

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