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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

  • STEP 1

    Warner Bros. executive catches old rerun of The Rifleman and thinks, “I could make that cost a quarter of a billion dollars”

  • STEP 2

    Screenwriter commissioned to develop a story that’s splashy, family-friendly, and has a hard July 24, 2017 release date

  • STEP 3

    Meryl Streep declines to participate

  • STEP 4

    Repeated production delays caused by prima donna CGI animator refusing to come out of his trailer

  • STEP 5

    Classically trained Shakespearean actor privately wonders why his character wants to blow up planet Earth

  • STEP 6

    Studio hands off total creative control to illustrious, visionary test audience

  • STEP 7

    Top minds at Burger King tapped for limited-edition cup collaboration

  • STEP 8

    Year-long marketing rollout to get the public intrigued, then excited, then cautiously optimistic, then annoyed, then intolerant of upcoming film

  • STEP 9

    Critics sent advance screeners and encouraged to keep reviews to one or two words, tops

  • STEP 10

    Home video and overseas markets swoop in to make everything all right

  • STEP 11

    Paramount executive catches old rerun of Dynasty and thinks, “I could make that cost a quarter of a billion dollars”

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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